this is a song about a bat teaching a lame bat how to fly. Hey, don't look at me like that! 
Forearm each
a rubber band
snapping on
a Japanese fan.
Odometer to
the breaking point
with the beat of each
elastic joint.
To fly...
to fly...
Liquid gold
in her muscle tone
dancing light
in every bone.
She's an unsolved
mystery
the medicine
I need to breathe.
And if you forget the beat
it's right there on your shoulder
hear it pound
the wheels are wound
they are spinning round and round
the hourglass is turned upside down
to fly you gotta get off the ground.
Open up
from the inside
your roots are only
deep as your mind.
You cannot end
where you don't begin
trust yourself
to the voice within.
And if you forget the words
they're right there in your mind's eye
see 'em curl
the notes unfurl
they're the bridge of every world
hear them whisper, dance, and twirl
sing your song, now, that's my girl.
To fly you gotta get off the ground.
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140,917 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
It's a nice song but it's like it is meant to be fast. It's like a rap song. It kind of reminds of Linkin Park.
Thanks, gadi!
Yeah, the verses were supposed to be obscurely weird and poetic, but maybe they're less poetic and more obscurely weird.
I see your point with that one stanza. It sounds pretty darn cool when I sing it, but that's giving credit to the tune. Merely looking at the poetic aspects, I agree with you.
Again, thanks for the reviews, guys!
Wow. I loved it.
Most of the song was rather--well--obscure and not so understandable, but I still really liked it. I didn't really get that it was a bat teaching a lame bat how to fly, though--so I think this would be better as a poem than a song, but it has too many lyric characteristic to qualify as a normal poem.
If this was a song, it'd be graded down for this entire stanza:
"And if you forget the beat
it's right there on your shoulder
hear it pound
the wheels are wound
they are spinning round and round
the hourglass is turned upside down
to fly you gotta get off the ground. "
It was cliche-ish and full of rhymes that are basically not unique and really easy to find--"ground", "down", and "round" are basically included in any cheap pop song.
Otherwise, great work! I really enjoyed it!
awesomeness!!! that's all i hreally have to say, considering i'm lousy at critiquing poetry. i really enjoyed it though. it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Hey! I really like this! I won't comment on the rhyme or the meter, seeing as I am terrible at both. But I absolutely love the imagery you use and the word choice. It brings quite specific actions to mind and the reader can see it clearly.
My favorite part:
AWESOME!!! lol
Great work! Keep writing!
~Yoyo
I loved that!
The only teeny thing I would suggest changing is this:
It flowed really nicely and projected excellent images in my head. The words you used were vivid, poignant, and they keep repeating themselves over and over in my head. -That's a good thing-
I would suggest adding 'as' before 'deep'
But anyways, great job!
-Ayra
P•S•- omg, I'm so jealous--you can write and do poetry!
Ohh! I really liked that! That could be a really cool song! I liked it!
The beginning didn't make much sense, but as the song went on, it was really good!
Great job!
BBB